Insecure
This past year. Oh wow. I just stop there and stare at those three words. There is so much more in those three words than I could dare to write about. A year of growth and heartache, defeat and conquest. The rattling of my life.
If I gained any ground in life, any success it was by grace. I'm still walking through the fog some days. Not seeing where the path is leading or even the direction I'm headed.
So I've tried to stick to the basics. The fundamental truths of what I chose to base my beliefs, my thoughts, attitudes, ambitions on.
And here I am. At the long haul of my oldest son's home education. Watching him evolve into a man entrusted with his own choices and consequences. Four younger ones trailing close behind in succession.
A newly defining relationship with my spouse. With emotional luggage neatly packed but not quite discarded.
A paper of achievement , a supportive following, and a desire to be more to their souls than just a food provider. To have a full sized impact on a part time hour. Wanting to chase dreams and hold tight to goals.
How far do I run in each direction before one gives way to the other. Because, I'm not really sure I want one more than the other.
When I hold back, is it the fear? Because I haven't yet began to define The Fear to you.
Funny thing about stuff like fear is that they tend to disappear in the light but I would rather hide it in the dark.
I think I might be close to letting one go - you see, for all that people may say to me about the cooking I really don't feel worthy or successful. I struggle a lot with how I measure up. I have what I think is an amazing chance to be part of a group of chefs. Network, learn and share with people who share this in common with me. But I don't want to go. I'm paralyzed by the fear that I don't reach their standard. They are executive chefs of corporations. I am a housewife. Never shamed me before but somehow going out into a man's world (and 90% are in fact, men) makes me feel ever so inadequate.
I try to rationalize that the worst that can happen is I will embarrass myself the first night and never go back. But what if I don't ? What if it's the best opportunity this day is providing and I miss it ? I'm not talking job opportunity. I'm talking the chance to learn and share an interest. To be a part of something unconnected to my life that still connects me to life. A shoot off the branch . New growth.
